Still Waiting!

Well . . . we are still waiting! :-( June 3 marked . . .

. . . months of being DTE (Dossier to Ethiopia).  We are SOOOO very close to getting our referral.  Right.at.the.top.of.the.list.  KILLING ME!!!  We are both trying to stay busy (NOT difficult, believe me), keep our eyes and hearts turned to and focused on God, and believing that the ONE who has called us to this is exceedingly, abundantly able to do more than we can think or imagine.  It has in the most blessed way caused us to keep our eyes fixed on him.  Caused us to pray more and better and to TRUST that He is working ALL things together for good.  ALL things.  Not just on the adoption front, but in every tiny detail of our lives.

I was reminded by a cousin-in-law this past Sunday that God already knows the outcome.  He has had the exact children for our family decided from the beginning of time.  His timing and the orchestration of events is happening now in ways we may never see or even be able to imagine this side of heaven.  Our job is to pray and BELIEVE that He has it.  He has it.

I will be completely candid and say that for several months now I have been playing the game of shoving all thoughts of this adoption out of my mind. The idea of waiting and waiting since the slow down kills me.  The idea that there are children sitting in an orphanage somewhere WAITING for paperwork to be done so they can be placed in a HOME and a forever family kills me.  The thought that people who could expedite that paperwork will not or cannot kills me.  So, over time, I've begun to realize that I have stopped believing that God can or will make this all come together.  That He who called us to this really cares how or if it will all turn out. 

And then this . . .

From that unbelief, I realized that for so long I have functioned in my own strength.  I pray, but I'm not sure I really believe he hears or cares.  I pray, but I don't lay it all out there.  I don't want to burden him with my deal.  Make any sense???  Like . . . He's got enough going on without adding more to His plate.  Somewhere along the way I went from a little girl who BELIEVED He loved me and CARED about every detail of my life and LOVED to tell Him about every detail to a woman who read too many books and heard way too many academic sermons and lost the ability to TALK to my ABBA.

I realized a few weeks ago that I have been praying for Him to restore that desire and belief in me.  Even while praying not being sure I believed He would.  But, He has.  In an incredible way.  In this way - THY WILL be done.  In this adoption, in our family life (immediate and extended), in our marriage, in our homeschool, in our ministry.  Thy will be done. 

Thy.will.be.done.  And you know what?  It feels free and terrifying all at the same time.  To pray it and say it and mean it.  To really mean it.  Take my life - our lives, we pray together - and use them for your glory and your kingdom.  The stuff?  Use it for your glory.   Our time?  Use it for your glory.  Career?  For your glory.  Help us to be completely done with my way - our way - and have our eyes fixed firmly on you.  Scares the pants off me.  But there is no other way to go beyond with Him.  To move past the ordinary, safe, in my own strength kind of living.  No other way.

And so, we are waiting.  :-)  Expectantly and with great hope.  Knowing without a doubt that it will come together in exactly the way and time and place that He ordains.